I do apologize for
last week. It’s like I wrote it in my sleep. I sort of did, though, so
hopefully you can excuse it. James slept on the couch last Tuesday and it
rattled me. I haven’t slept alone in a long time and so I…didn’t sleep. I wrote
last week’s update at 3 am, exhausted but restless.
I still don’t think he’s
quite forgiven me. And he shouldn’t.
I called him Daniel.
We were arguing about
how I seem to be distant and unfocused in our marriage lately. And I called him
Daniel. So he slept on the couch, and I wrote a sappy update at 3am and then I
went to work and Daniel was there with a cup of coffee like he knew I needed
it. I told him to fuck off so he left. But then he came back every day with a
cup of coffee and I finally realized: his fake feelings aren’t so fake.
Daniel Westburn is in
love with me.
I’m free. I’m fucking
free.
My home life is in
shambles and most of the people at work think that I’m having an affair but I’m
free of Daniel. I could kill a man right in front of him and he wouldn’t care.
I’m certainly not going to risk it but he didn’t care when I’d killed one of
his best friends – well my husband killed that one but it was a serious blow to
his team and he brushed it off.
I got a call from my
sister on Sunday telling me that it was done so he just lost a family member to
this war and the police have yet to come knocking down my door.
I think I am well and
truly free of having to look over my shoulder, terrified that he’ll finally
find enough evidence to arrest me. I don’t care if he pursues me romantically,
I can fight that, no problem. I should probably pay Charlotte a visit and get
her take on the situation but for now, I can just focus on my family.
Oh my god.
I’m sorry, it’s just, I
feel like I can breathe. It’s still a littler surreal just to tell you, dear
readers, that there’s one less thing in my life.
So my children are no
longer locked in the basement in case anyone cared – which seemed to be none of
you. I’m not sure what that says about you, but you may want to look into that.
Last Sunday, I decided
that I would take matters into my own hands with the kids. I told them that we
needed to talk openly and honestly about what was going on around the house.
They told me screw off but this time I wouldn’t take no for an answer. Tuesday
night, after James and I had our…fight. I got very emotional, dragged the kids
from their rooms, took their cellphones, and locked them in the basement.
There’s plenty to do
in the basement, there’s just no way of communicating with the outside world. They protested for a few hours but by the time they needed to go to school on
Thursday, they were ready to concede so I called in sick and told the school
they had a family emergency.
I admit, now that this
was a horrible way to communicate with my children but sometimes, I’m a
horrible person. And incredibly sleep deprived and I hadn’t been taking my
medication – I’m back on them now with renewed vigor. It got my kids to talk to
me, so that’s good.
I let the kids shower
and change and text their friends to let them know they were alright – while I monitored
to make sure they didn’t tell them anything serious. James was working a double
shift to avoid me so we had the house to ourselves.
And we talked. We
talked about the affair, and Jason’s learning disability, and Sandra’s secret
university letters, and their trip to visit their mother. We got it all out in
the open.
Drastic measures get
results.
We were honest with
each other, not cutting corners or worrying about each other’s feelings. The
only thing that was left out was the serial killer business and the only one
who didn’t know was Jason so Sandra and I seem to have come to the same
conclusion that knowing one more secret is the last thing that boy needs. But
everything else came out, the fake affair to throw a private investigator off
my trail after he mistakenly believed that I killed my co-worker; my concerns
over Jason’s future and his own concerns that match my own; even Sandra’s
desire to keep her acceptance letters a secret because she was worried about my
reaction. My calmer self is very proud of her for making the decision to move
away and to pursue her interests, while my…less calm self is terrified that my
little girl is going off, carrying the family secrets with her. And I told her
this. She assured me that she was a part of this family and they were her
secrets too, so she’d keep them safe. We even hugged.
And then they told me
what happened when they visited their mother.
Remember how I told
you that my sister and I were always close and we always looked out for each
other because we’re cut from the same cloth? I should have seen this coming.
She told the kids that
I turned her in to the police so that I would have custody of them. She told
them she was innocent.
I probably – no I
definitely – shouldn’t have done it, but I told them the truth. I told them
what their mother did to end up in prison and that their grandmother was
responsible for putting her there. That’s the one thing I really regret.
They were quiet for a
long time, it was sort of frightening. But then Jason hugged me and said that
he was glad we’d talked and he went to his room for the rest of the day.
Sandra waited until he
was upstairs before coming to sit across from me at the kitchen table. She told
me that she believes me and she doesn’t forgive me for the things I’ve done in
the past she understands. She’s been having…urges, lately. To hurt people.
That’s what broke me.
I cried.
In all my years, I
never thought to worry about the kids taking after us. About what would happen
if I had to show them the ropes and keep them safe from the authorities. I
never wanted to think about it but now that’s all I can focus on. I haven’t
even talked to James about it – not that he’d be willing to listen. I’m keeping
it from Jason to protect him and his sister but everything else is out in the
open now. Which is good. The kids are talking to me again and they haven’t told
anyone else about why they were missing for two days.
And I’m free from
Daniel but now I have the kids and my husband to focus on and that’s just a
huge bucket of shit to wade through.
Pray for me, darlings,
pray for me.
As always, dear
readers,
Stay Safe