Your Mid-Week Update for 01/27/16

I have been procrastinating writing this update for the last few hours. I think I officially ran out of things to stab. I am so bored.

Jason is back at school, James is working overtime to gain favor before his exam, I’m meeting Charlotte for coffee on Friday, Heather has been insanely polite to me, and I’m back to my regular murder schedule. I am so, incredibly, bored.

Nothing exciting is happening. Even when I’m stressed out and panicking, or sick, or seducing a sociopath, at least it’s something interesting. Something to keep me engaged.

I know I always complain about being overwhelmed and then I complain about having nothing to do. I’m just never happy. I think that’s all it is. I will never be completely satisfied with the way my life is run. It’ll be too slow or too fast with no middle ground.

There is no baby bear.

I will spend the rest of my life seeking moderation only to never achieve it.

I will never be satisfied.

I need a drink.

EDIT: Okay, this was a very heavy realization for me and I definitely spent the next hour contemplating my life choices and drinking half a bottle of wine before driving to work. The best I could come up with was…nothing. I came up with nothing new or comforting.

I’m just destined to be unhappy forever.

With my loving husband and child.

How’s that for a mid-week update?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/20/16

You know how you can feel your heartbeat in a cut? That’s my hand right now. I cut my hand. I blame Heather. Fucking Heather. No, don’t fuck Heather. She gets enough – she’s still got her boy on the side in the midst of her divorce.

On Monday, I was in the kitchen cutting up a bagel when Heather came up behind me and apologized. Apologized! You can just spring that on a girl from out of nowhere. She said she was sorry for accusing me of having an affair. There was no other explanation, she just walked away.

I was in such a state of shock, I didn’t realize I had cut open my hand instead of the bagel until another co-worker came in and swore at me. Together we wrapped the wound and cleaned up the mess without too much fuss. Now I have this lovely throbbing wound in my non-dominant hand making it somewhat difficult to do my job. However, these last few days have been the most attentive I’ve ever seen Heather. She brings me coffee, she doesn’t talk back – as much – it’s got me worried.

But more than that, killing is a lot more dangerous until this bandage comes off. I’m a lot more likely to leave behind traces if I’ve got an open wound and a fraying piece of cloth wrapped around it. Which means I’ve taken one life so far this week. That’s it. And I ran him over with my car which is effective but not a whole lot of fun for me. I enjoy some vehicular homicide every once in a while but when it’s my only safe course of action, I get bored.

At least I’m keeping the police department busy. James obviously doesn’t work directly on all of my cases but he usually ends up getting called for a few hours to guard the scene or talk to neighbours looking for witnesses. Miraculously there are rarely ever witnesses.

He’s such a good husband.

He made his appointment to take his detective exam. This time next month, we’ll find out if we’re in for a pay raise. I hope he gets it for a couple of reasons that don’t need explanation.

…

For one, I want my husband to succeed, and it will mean more regular hours. Although there’s no guarantee that he’ll work in the homicide department but it would be nice for both of us to have a detective on our side. Plus the aforementioned  pay raise. Jason is graduating next year which means, he’s started to think about his future. I assume he’ll want to go to a technical college but I’m not about to make any assumptions about my children’s future. Whatever Jason wants to do, I’ll support him; I say that now but if he comes to me tomorrow and says he wants to be a stripper, I may change my mind.

Oh, you’ll never guess who called me on Thursday. Charlotte Westburn.

It was Daniel’s birthday and she was thinking about me. She confessed to missing him and to wondering what became of him. I assured her that wherever he was, he didn’t deserve a single thought from her. He hurt her and didn’t have the courtesy to say goodbye or leave her any money. Charlotte refused to go back to the house and instead, sold it and moved back in with her family.

I hadn’t heard from in many months – I think since  Daniel was assumed dead. We talked for an hour, catching up on our lives. She’s doing well. Working and keeping her mind off of her ex-husband. I’m really happy for her. We agreed to meet for coffee in two weeks. It’ll be nice to see her again. Despite everything, she was a good friend.

I could use a good friend every once in a while.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

You Mid-Week Update for 01/13/16

I have no real news to report this week. The body count for 2016 is up to 7 – all of them mine, I promise.

2 hit and runs, 1 poisoning, 3 stabbings, and 1 blunt force trauma (a hammer outside the hardware store). That reminds me, I forgot to take James’ meatloaf out of the freezer.

We tried making a bunch of crockpot dinners and freezing them but that project only lasted one weekend. We’ve still got a few meals left and then we’ll have to fend for ourselves – oh the humanity.

Jason hasn’t spent enough time at home to enjoy our failed attempt at efficiency; he’s spent every possible moment “out”.  Just “out”. I thought he’d moved on from this phase but apparently it’s come back. He’s back at school. Grade 11. Last I heard he was spending all his time in the computer lab with his girlfriend and a few other friends.

He’s been with that girl for a while now, maybe it’s time James and I met her. I mean, I’ve seen her but I’ve never had a chance to sit down and chat with her; get to know her. I don’t even know her name. I’ll take to James when he gets home and interrogate him.

Outside of the bedroom.

We haven’t done anything that…fun in a long time.

We’ve had sex. Believe me, I’d have mentioned if I wasn’t being satisfied in all aspects of my life – apparently, I’m open about these things. We just haven’t done anything creative in several months. Before Sandra died. Granted there hasn’t been much occasion to play around lately but it just occurred to me how far I still have to go in terms of repairing our relationship.

I’m not worried – I’m not – just a little disheartened.

My son is starting to ignore me again, my husband is still holding back. Just little things. Nothing much else to report. Maybe I’ll have something interesting to report next week.

As always, dear readers, stay safe.

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/06/16

I’m dedicating this update to the beauty of Mother Nature. She seems to be on my side this week.

Monday was my first day back at work and, as it seems, so were the scum of the city who don’t understand how driving works when there’s snow on the ground. They appear every year and every year I’m always astounded at the idiocy of motorists. It is so rare to find someone who actually drives the speed limit – safely. Either drivers are moving 30 under or 50 over and then wonder why the two of them get into accidents. Or I get assholes who cut me off when there’s plenty of room.

Of course I was late to work on Monday. Of course Heather was there bright and early, wondering what had kept me – or who had kept me.

Ever since the Christmas party Heather has been convinced that something is going on with James. She’s implied on more than one occasion that I’m having an affair. I don’t have the heart to tell her that she’s a little too late on that subject.

Been there, killed that, you know?

But back to Mother Nature’s graciousness.

It started on Monday with the asshole who cut me off. I was understandably outraged and was wholly ready to follow him until I could ask him nicely why he would behave so rudely – while holding up his severed head, of course – but before I could get to him, he suddenly lost control on a patch of ice and ran head on into a lamp post. The post then proceeded to fall over, crushing its victim with a swift and deadly crunch. The only downside to the cosmic justice dispensed on my behalf was the fact that it caused a massive congestion on the road making me late for work and thus incurring the punishment of the gods – re. Heather teasing me about my lover keeping me late.

There are so many days I don’t understand why I keep her around.

The next incident was that night as I stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few things. I bumped into a woman as she was walking to the check-out isle – and it was an accident, I promise – but she would not calm down. She cussed me out for getting in her way and not looking where I was going and how could I not see that she was there first. You would be so proud of me, dear readers, I was very calm and polite – and when that didn’t work, I simply ignored her name calling. After I finished paying, I happened to follow her out to her car, ready to push her down a flight of stairs or something, admittedly I hadn’t really thought it through. But as I was stepping out of the store, I watched her slip on a patch of ice and hit her head on the curb. She immediately fell unconscious and died from brain damage before the paramedics could arrive. It was tragic, really, that I couldn’t kill her myself.

But the piece-de-resistance came yesterday afternoon when I was again trying to obtain groceries and decided to walk home. I got bored quickly so decided to pick out a victim I could actually kill myself. I had been following a woman in a large overcoat for several blocks when she suddenly clutched her eye and screamed in pain. I looked up and realized that she’d been struck in the eye by a falling icicle. Astounding but not completely unusual. But then I watched her trip over the curb and land in the street only to be run over by an oncoming car. Her head was crushed under the wheel, bone and brain fragments scattering for a few feet in either direction.

I only had to speak with the police about the last one because the driver named me as a witness. I didn’t mind. For once, I had nothing to do with their deaths, I just happened to be there when they killed themselves. I’ll admit it wasn’t nearly as fun as taking their lives with my bare hands but this is a lot less messy.

I wish I could take credit for these kills because I was so excited to get more victims under my belt this year. I just really want to put 2015 behind me. Between Daniel and Sandra and James and my Sister, I just want to move on. And for me, murder is the way to do that.

So yes, Mother Nature is a beautiful thing when it can randomly kill people in the blink of an eye. I just wish she had let me have some for myself.

But don’t worry, I’ll get mine.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe