For those of you wondering about James’ reaction to
Charlotte and all she entails, he was livid at first. He is firmly in the “no
one left behind” camp. I think he was genuinely shocked that I let her walk
away and I don’t blame him. Charlotte is either an exception or an omen. I’d
hate to think that she…
She didn’t make me soft. She made me empathetic. While most
people deserve to die, I don’t think everyone does. Charlotte’s been through
enough and after thinking about it all week, I feel confident in my decision.
The Westburns are out of our lives – for however long the peace lasts – which means
we can all start over.
Which means, just this once, I’m ignoring my husband’s
wishes for murder. I think he’s wrong: I don’t think Charlotte is a threat to
us. I’m not going to make a habit of letting people go when they know too much
but I trust her. So this family is going to move on. Find new drama to take
over our lives.
Speaking of drama. Jason has been very existential and
mature lately. It’s scaring me. He’s up and ready hours before he has to leave
for school. He’s printed off dozens of resumes and he’s already set up three
interviews for next week. He told me that he sent out applications to local
colleges, planning to study “Information Technology with a focus in Computer
Systems.” I’m quoting him because I don’t actually understand what that major entails
other than maintaining computer systems (not the software but the product
itself). I am trying to pay attention to Jason’s interests but when he gets
excited, he rambles and I can’t follow his train of thought.
I also realized how bad I have been at paying attention to
his life. I remember posting a few months ago that my son was in Grade 11; he’s
in Grade 12. Holy shit. Not only am I getting old but I can’t remember simple
details about my child. The girlfriend that he almost got pregnant a month ago?
Not the girl I was thinking of. Apparently they broke up before his school year
even started and I posted about it but promptly forgot that little tidbit. This
new girl – Sara – is someone he’s known since junior high but they only started
dating after she “comforted” him over the summer. That boy. My boy.
He’s had ADD for almost a year now. I didn’t get him any
medication because I always thought that pills were weak (at least they make me
feel weak) and he’s been doing fine without it. But this past week, he’s been
hyper-focused on his studies and his future. He’s been so serious. I’d think it
was drugs but that’s not him – at least I hope not. I think Sara really scared
him. I think something finally clicked for him. I guess I shouldn’t jinx it but
I’m excited; anxious for my son’s future. He graduates in a few months. I
wonder where his life’s going. I hope that I can still be there despite my
apparent inability to retain information about him.
Have I been a bad mother to him?
I just…I have nothing in common with him. I can’t connect
with him. Everything he tells me just goes right out the other ear. I don’t
know what I’m going to do with him.
I’m just a horrible mother to him. Does he even need a
mother at this point? I mean he turns 18 in May, what does he need after that?
Maybe he’ll fix his own life, get his shit together without
me. One can only hope.
As always, dear readers,
Stay Safe
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