So…I want to start by saying this was not how I expected my
week to go but it has been coming for a very long time. When I sat down to
start writing this update, I wasn’t quite sure how to process all the things
that had happened. You’re going to have to bear with me, dear readers, 2017 is
off to a very unusual start.
Jason was quiet for a few days after his fight with Andrew
and I wasn’t about to push him but I needed answers. Luckily I still had Andrew
tied up in the laundry room. He lost three fingernails before he finally
started talking to me but he eventually opened up. I was amazed he hadn’t bled
out before that. I’m amazed I didn’t kill him after that.
He has a nineteen-year old daughter that he wants Jason to
meet. This means he had this daughter while he was still with my sister. According
to Andrew, he just wants all of his children to be together. I…I slapped him.
Ha. I slapped him and I walked away. You should be so proud of my self-control.
Part of me isn’t surprised that this man is such a horrible human being; and
yet, I still can’t believe…my poor sister. He’s put her through enough – so I
thought.
Instead, I went upstairs, poured myself a bottle of vodka
and watched old episodes of Law and Order SVU. Not the most calming show but I
was shaking too much to go out kill and somehow, reminding myself that there
are worse people in the world was oddly comforting.
About an hour after that, I went up to check on Jason and
found him sitting on the floor, fiddling with his computer system. Over the
years, I’ve learned that when he’s anxious or upset, he messes with his
computer.
Some people drink, some people create work to distract
themselves.
I asked to join him and he invited me in. He worked in
silence for a bit and then he started to talk me through his task. I hope he
didn’t expect me to retain any of it because I fill out the stereotype of
parents who don’t understand technology but it was so…comforting to hear my son
talk about something he’s passionate about. That passion tells me that he’s
going to be okay. No matter what I or anyone else in this family puts him
through he will be okay.
I used to worry that Jason would never like me. We had
nothing in common and his reaction to losing his mother was to shut everyone
out. This twelve year old boy clung to his sister so tightly and I couldn’t
reach him. Besides, I was so focused on Sandra and all of that drama. The girl
whose curiosities led her to the truth – and to grow up faster than expected –
got my attention more than the boy who kept quietly to himself.
When he lost his sister, I gave him his space but then I
realized that it was just the two of us. Without Sandra, he had no one else
and, while I will always have James, I needed Jason; the one thing I didn’t
wreck.
We hung out for a few hours and then I went to make dinner.
When I say “make” I mean, go out and buy fast food. I was in
no mood to cook. I knew James would be home in an hour to keep Jason away from
the basement so I left him alone while I grabbed food.
I was gone for less than twenty minutes but when I came
back, Jason wasn’t in his room. I didn’t think, I just dropped the food and ran
downstairs.
The laundry room door was wide open. And Jason was there. He
had his laundry basket on the floor and a pair of scissors in his hand. We keep
a sewing kit in the laundry room. He hadn’t seen me yet but I saw the blood on
the scissors and on his hands.
Andrew was dead.
…
I’m back.
Now I want to be clear, I wanted Andrew dead. It solved all
our problems and he absolutely deserved it.
But not Jason.
When I finally got his attention, he turned to me in shock,
covered in his Andrew’s blood. I froze. And then he dropped the scissors
and started to cry and I found my focus.
I didn’t speak, I just led him out of that room and into the
upstairs bathroom. I washed his hands, turned on the shower and closed the door
– I didn’t lock it; I was very careful about that. I called James and told him
it was an emergency and then I started to clean up. I got most of the blood off
of the walls and the floor before James got home and he finished the rest while
I checked on Jason.
When he didn’t answer my knock, I opened without hesitation.
He was sitting in the shower, curled up in a ball with all his clothes still
on. I cleaned him up, got him into fresh clothes, and sent him to bed. I don’t
think he slept but he didn’t need to see this.
We took Jason’s bloody clothes, the scissors, the chair, and
Andrew’s body, packed it into the car and drove about 45 minutes to an
industrial park with very loose security. Everything got crushed or
incinerated.
Three hours later, it was all over.
That was my Friday.
James went to bed and I tried so hard to stay up in case
Jason needed me but I dozed off and when I woke up, he had left for work. I didn’t
expect him to go but I called his manager and they confirmed that he was
working the front counter. He got home right after his shift, went up to his
room, then I didn’t see him for the rest of the weekend. I expected this
response. As much as I wanted to sit him down and ask just what the hell
happened, I knew that Jason would shut down and get closed off.
What I didn’t prepare for was Monday night when I got home
from work. He stopped me in the kitchen and yelled at me – really, honestly,
yelled at me. He cussed me out for his mother, his sister, his father, for
keeping secrets; he blamed me for everything. Then he walked out of the house
and I sat on the couch to wait for him. James got home around 10 and made me
dinner, because I’d forgotten, and then went to bed.
He’s been working such long hours lately, I don’t begrudge
him for needing sleep. Sometimes, I’d like the company and support.
Jason got home just after midnight, he sat on the couch
beside me, and we watched Die Hard because it was the only thing on.
Yesterday, he was in his room when I got home and I suspect
the same thing will happen today. I am giving him space. I will not push him.
He will come to me when he’s ready. I have to believe that. The alternative is
that I lose my son and I will not have that.
I’m still trying to fully understand what happened.
I know what happened but it hasn’t really sunk in yet.
Andrew is dead.
Jason is lost.
I’m screwed.
As always, dear readers,
Stay Safe
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