Things have officially settled. I hesitate to say it because
optimism undoubtedly leads to tragedy. It is the arrogance of hope. If I’ve
taught you anything in all our years together it’s that arrogance will get you
killed. So when I say that things have settled, I worry about jinxing the
situation but at the same time, I need to tell you that the situation in my
household has reached a plateau and I’m happy about it.
James’ busy schedule has seemed to reach a middle ground
where he only works nights three times a week and I actually get to sleep with
my husband. It’s not about having sex with him; it’s about the comfort of
sleeping next to him. It’s a weird habit where I like sharing in the warmth and
touch that we provide each other. I’ve always been used to his unusual hours
and having to sleep alone on occasion but the last few months, he’s been
working the late shift more and more often. I know it’s because he’s working
through his promotion and the late hours are so he can keep me safe which is
why I never complain…to his face. I can rant and whine to you all I damn well
please. So long as James never learns how selfish I am. But he’s back so I have
no reason to complain about it more than I already have today.
Jason is also back to a normal schedule. He’s sleeping more
and going to work every day. I even found the courage to ask him about college
the other day. I didn’t push him to go to school after his father’s death – and
the school was very accommodating when I phrased it so generally – but he’s bee
back at school for over a month now and I’m worried about what his future plans
are. I know his grades aren’t the best but he has a specialized interest and
that has to drive him to do something productive. I hope. I know I shouldn’t
push him but it’s alright because he answered me honestly. He doesn’t know. He
still has a lot of the same interests but Andrew made him think about what else
life has to offer. I will respect his wishes – whether or not they involve
college – I want him to be okay. Whether or not I agree with his methods he is
working towards that.
Heather is not working towards this coveted “okay” stasis.
She is, she’s just going about it very differently. She came back to work full
time on Monday and even sassed me which is a very excellent thing. But she’s
grown quieter around the other girls in the office – especially Lydia. She’s
been ignoring her the past two days and kept her head down whenever people come
to my office. She’s still working efficiently and responds with a generally
snarky tone whenever someone talks to her; but she’s not instigating
conversation. It’s perfectly reasonable to me that she needs a little time to
readjust to this much social interaction but I still count it as a win: Heather
is sitting at her desk acting like a judgemental bitch and getting everyone’s
work done.
Which brings me to…myself. I feel tired all the time. I’m
eating a little healthier – since Heather insisted on grocery shopping with me
– she’s still living on my couch but I don’t mind it. I’m content. Until I was
cleaning out my office desk last night. I do it about every five years and it’s
mostly just to shred my outdated paperwork. I found a letter from Sandra in my
top drawer. It hadn’t been opened and I don’t remember putting it in there so I
assume Sandra slipped it in when I wasn’t looking. I haven’t read it yet.
It could be nothing. But it could also be something very important.
If I never open it then I’ll never have to know if Sandra
had even more secrets that she never shared.
I’ll get to remember her the way I want to.
Besides, things are going well now. No need to stir up the
past.
As always, dear readers,
Stay Safe
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