Your Mid-Week Update for 04/25/18

Remember that new guy at the office who called everyone “little lady” and I was debating between killing him and getting him fired? Turns out, he’s as shitty at his job as he is at life.

Did I tell you this already? Sometimes I have news and I forget to tell you but then I remember a few weeks later but can’t remember if I told you when it initially came up.

Fuck it. Okay, our fake Texan has misplaced so many reports, his handwriting is practically illegible, and he’s yet to come back on time after lunch. No one knows where he goes. But he was still on trial so they just fired him.

I’m still concerned about letting someone like that exist in the world but I’m slowly realizing that if I killed everyone I didn’t agree with, I’d be out of a job. But I can certainly try.

This guy cut me off yesterday; and he wasn’t even nice about it. It’s like he knew that I’d have to swerve to avoid him and then he gave me the finger when I honked my horn. He had to die. I followed him into his neighborhood until he pulled into a strip mall. I watched him pick up a pizza then I snuck into the backseat of his car and waited.

I gotta tell you, the old hands-on, break into your house kind of serial killing is a younger woman’s game. I still can’t completely straighten my spine. His car was tiny and it smelt like gym shoes and tomato sauce but we made it about fifteen minutes before he noticed me and before he could pull over, I stabbed him through the whole in his headrest and rolled out before he crashed into a light post. Like a fucking ninja.

I’m just shitting you guys. I lured him around the back, stabbed him in the neck and stole his pizza.

But you had no choice but to believe me.

I could tell you just about anything and you’d have to believe me because there’s no proof of anything.

I will say I rarely lie to you. Only when it’s important. To my internal narrative. Sometimes I forget the fake names I use which makes it confusing for everyone. But it’s for the greater good.

So…deal.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe