I sometimes
wonder if sentimentality will ultimately be my downfall. Being heartless or
intentionally cruel seems to be the hallmark of my profession and while I am
both heartless and intentionally cruel at times, I don’t know that I could
bring myself to live the way that I am meant to. There is a stereotype among
the serial killer community – if a mix of media and obsessive fanatics can be
called a community. We don’t have weekly meetings to discuss technique.
Although, that would be an excellent way to rid myself of all competition; I
must consider that next time I come across a fellow psychopath.
There is a
stereotype among the serial killer community of being isolated and unfeeling,
taking often sexual pleasure from murder or pain. Or there is an element of
curiosity at the human condition. How much can one person endure? I have
experienced all those things – James can attest to sexual pleasure on several occasions
– but I never thought I fully fit into the vision of what a serial killer
should be. Why we have created a set image around what a sequential murderer
should be is a little troubling in my mind but it exists nonetheless.
Rarely do
you hear instances of real killers who have families and seem well adjusted in
their neighbourhood. I pride myself as an anomaly but I can’t help but wonder
sometimes if I would be better off without the burden of another life in which
I am loved and respected. Life would be much simpler if I were a lonely,
maladjusted citizen, living out of a van who the neighbours are kind of scared
of but say “I always knew someone was off” when I finally get arrested.
That’s the
dream anyway.
Someone has
been following Jason. He came home and told me yesterday that he is certain
someone has been following him around for the last few weeks. Since before
Christmas. And he is telling me now. While I understand he wanted to be sure, I
still don’t like that I am just finding out about this. Apparently someone, he thinks
it’s a woman but he can’t be sure, has been parked across from his work and
then following him home on and off. Once or twice, he’s seen someone entering
and exiting a store at the same time as him. That alone might not be enough to
arouse suspicion but combined with the following him home, and three hang up
calls to the house, I’m worried. And I want him to be alert as well but I can’t
have my son fearing for his life.
I wonder if
James’ friend is as off the case as he says he is. Maybe he’s got a partner.
Maybe it’s Daniel all over again. I don’t think I could handle that. It did not
end well the last time and I don’t think my heart could take it again.
I sometimes
wonder what my career as a killer would be like if I didn’t have a family to
worry about. Would I be more or less successful without someone to come home to
at night? To protect my secrets and support my urges. To fear losing every time
someone else comes close to discovering my secret.
Sometimes
it’s more than I can bear.
As always,
dear readers,
Stay Safe
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