Your Mid-Week Update for 02/27/19

I've been on this dismemberment kick lately. Don't know why. Don't really want to get into the psychology of why, but there's something about being really hands on - or hands off, as it were - with my work that's made me feel more fulfilled and less restless.

So we're not going to talk about what's going on at home. We're going to talk about how much force is required to remove a man's actual knee cap.

With the right surgical tools: it takes barely any work at all.

Of course I don’t have the right surgical tools – is that something I can invest in? Since I didn’t have the right tools, we went to the hardware store and did our best. The key to proper dismemberment while your victim is alive is the keep them subdued but conscious as long as possible. If they pass out from pain or blood loss then so be but you want them conscious for a least a little while. Otherwise what’s the point?

So how you remove someone’s knee cap is actually quite simple. First you have to subdue your victim’s lower half. Rope is always good. Duct tape is stronger. Gaff tape is expensive. So once they’re bound with duct tape, and you’re reasonably certain they won’t move, all you have to do is start cutting.

Unlike surgeons, your goal is not to fix and heal, it is to torture and kill. You don’t have to sew the tissue together or even cut in a clean shape. It’s more interesting if you can open the knee and take as precisely a bone as you can but it’s not a necessity. And it is a simple as cutting a slice of really rough ham. Cut around the part you want and voila. The bone is gone. So now you’ve removed both knee caps and left the flesh open and bleeding.

I feel like a mad scientist doing sick experiments on unsuspecting patients in the Victorian Era. It gets the creative juices flowing.

Now you can go to work one other parts of the body. If you do it right, the police will find a body which has bled to death from a dozen open wounds; they’ll find the left ear in the river, the middle finger bone (just the bone) behind the grocery store. The larynx will be found hanging over a mailbox in the suburbs, the whole ankle will be found in the woods half-eaten by coyotes. The forth rib will be used to pry the back door of a Pizza Hut open – and two left over pizzas will be missing because murder makes you hungry. The sixth will be mailed to a random address that was made by looking up a series of random addresses on Google maps. The shoulder blade will unfortunately still be in the body but unattached from its normal perch because trying to pull it out broke the saw. The appendix will be removed and placed in a tray beside the body along with an unclaimed bill for what would have been a hospital trip. The third toe on the right foot will be placed in a stranger’s pocket who will discover it as they go to pay for their gas a few hours later. The bone of the forearm – with a little bit of flesh because it’s not like pulling chicken wing bones out – will be discovered in the park a little more battered and bruised as if someone had tried to use it like a golf club and realized how bad an idea that was. The left eye will also be found in the park, in a bush, having been briefly used as a gold club.

Several hours after the first discovery is made, what remains of the body will be found in a warehouse by the docks, with a trail of blood and other evidence leading police to believe the killer or killers escaped in a boat and are currently on the water.

It will become a priority case for the coroner and the police department to find all of the body parts, find the victim’s identity, and catch their killer.

And the town will be incomplete panic over one lousy murder.

It’s a good thing it happened in some other town several hours away. Otherwise I might really be in trouble. Everyone in the city would be on high alert. No one would suspect me, of course, but best not to take chances.

His kneecaps, however, will never be discovered. They are sitting beside the pickled eyeball I keep as a reminder of why I love doing what I do.

The look of terror as they realize that this is in fact one of their final moments. The flight or fight that doesn’t have time to kick in so all there is is freeze. It’s an incredibly satisfying look on a person. I highly recommend it.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe