How To Be A
Serial Killer 101:
Don’t Get
Caught, Don’t Have a Signature, and Do It Well.
Don’t get
caught is the most obvious rule. If you want to do something consistently, you
can’t be found doing it poorly. And a huge part of murder is getting away with it.
Key things to avoid include security cameras, reliable witnesses, trace DNA
like fingerprints and hair, and creating patterns.
Spatial
awareness is essential which can be difficult if you enjoy getting swept away
with a murder. But you don’t want to slash a throat, then turn around and
realize that someone could clearly see you leaving the scene. Know your city
well. Know your escape routes, where the cameras area, which businesses close
and when. Don’t look like you shouldn’t be there.
Short hair
is easier to manage but if you have long hair, make sure it is clean and tied
up. You don’t want breakage. Gloves are a must. Short of burning your
fingerprints off, it’s the best way to preserve your identity. I like the
non-powder medical gloves that you can buy at the pharmacy. Oily fingers will
be your downfall. Drink lots of water, avoid oil-based hand moisturizers, and
fix your dandruff.
Patterns
and “signatures” are dangerous. I understand why other killers have them but I
think it is the biggest mistake. Yes, if you have a compulsion to kill that you
can’t control and you want to get caught on your own terms: taunt the police,
have a strong MO that makes the public fear you. But if you want to do this
long term, you have to change it up.
Never the
same age, gender, or race in a row. Never the same method of murder in a row.
Never the same location in a row. If you circle back to something, make sure
you’re not creating a long pattern. I track my kills because I’m confident
(sometimes my husband says overconfident) and I’ve been doing this so long that
I need to track patterns. Don’t let there be a “cop with fresh eyes” who finds
your pattern. Generally, they have a lot more resources than you.
“Doing it
well” is a concept that’s a little more difficult to track on a list. Doing it
well means being intentional. Never leave the house unless you have a plan. Successful
murder is not an improvisation game. And being intentional also involves proper
execution of your plan (pun intended). If you want a chaotic, messy kill, then
make it messy. If you want a clean, quick murder, then do it. Because a kill
that goes wrong is a kill that gets you caught. Be engaged from start to
finish. A murder is not just one act, it is an entire event that can last for
hours or days.
These are
concepts I’m starting to pass on to Casey. I haven’t encouraged her to kill
anyone yet but I know that will have to come. I’m curious about being a
non-hands-on mentor.
I’m
maintaining my resolve to quit murdering. But I’ve collected a fair amount of
knowledge over the years and at least I can pass some of it on. See the next
generation take countless lives.
It’s the
dream.
Well, the
dream would be to live in a small town in Italy with my shirtless husband, and
murdering daily but no one says anything because we’re some sort of royal crime
family.
But this is
nice too.
As always,
dear readers,