Even though
I’m not killing anymore, there are still many uses for anonymity. For example:
being able to call out shitty people at work knowing that you will never see
them again. It’s been very liberating to be able to tell Karen that eating
people’s yogurt and passive-aggressively bragging about your clearly privileged
children is an awful way to live your life and you should die in a hole. The
only sad part is that I can’t actually make her die in a hole. That would be the
dream. Of course, there was a reason I hung up my kitchen knives.
I can’t
remember the reason right now but it’ll come to me.
In the meantime,
I’m continuing Casey’s training. She’s getting anxious about when I’ll
actually let her kill and to be honest, it will be very soon. She’s a fast
study, enthusiastic, and I already know she has the experience. I just want to
make sure she’s completely prepared. There’s no need for her to go out in the
world and learn through trial and error when I can tell her where the errors
are. And with James starting his new job, it’ll be easier to keep an eye on the
police.
He got the
job at the detention center! I’m so happy for him. I know he’ll still get to do
what he loves even if it isn’t in the same department. Plus, his coworkers are
notorious gossips and love to share juicy crime rumors so we can stay on top of
any suspicions. We’ll be okay.
Things are
evening out. Settling down. It’s all working out. There’s just this one thing
on my mind that I can’t figure out.
Why I quit
murdering.
It was
tearing my family apart and the police were on my trail but now…my family is
back together. New but united. And we’ve moved on. The police are gone and we’re
in a brand new city. I’m relatively in the clear. So why can’t I go back to
doing what I do?
There were
other reasons. Reasons I can’t remember right now because I’m so focused on the
temptation. And it’s strong.
I know
myself; I will either maintain my conviction to the ends of the earth or I will
surrender in a week. I don’t know which is better for me. To give in, to
continue what I’ve been doing for the majority of my life, or to stick to my
new goal of teaching the next generation and using my skills elsewhere. Is it
that I think I’m too old to keep killing or that what’s best for my ultimate
mental health is to move on? It’s difficult to give up something that has
always been a part of me.
I miss the metallic
smell as I clean the blood from my fingernails. The release of flesh as my knife
pierces their flesh. The sound of their pleading cries as they realize it is
all futile and they will never survive.
There’s nothing
quite like it. And I don’t know if I was truly prepared to give it all up.
I’m going
to teach Casey and when the time comes to let her commit her first murder,
that will be the true test of whether I am ready. Until then…
It’s all
okay.
As always,
dear readers,
No comments:
Post a Comment