Your Mid-Week Update for 01/29/20

The most successful people are the ones who are not only talented in their field but most importantly, the ones who care about what they do. The ones who are passionate; even if they don’t take it home with them, they are excited to start their day because they get to go back.

I think everyone needs one thing in their life that they geek out about. It’s so fascinating when people suddenly go off on tangents about something they’re really knowledgeable in and want to share that with you.

Now I’m not talking about gatekeeper culture or man-splaning (which are concepts all of my children have taught to me at one time or another) but loving something so much and trusting someone else enough to share that love.

Of course, for my geek-ed out passion, the people I can share it with are anonymous readers on the internet, my husband, and my husband’s daughter that I’ve taken under my wing. Which means that when coworkers ask you what you do on the weekends, you lie through your teeth and say something stupid like “my husband and I are in a bowling league”.

Long story short, James and I joined a bowling league with Carl from sales and his wife who has the squeakiest laugh I’ve ever heard. I’ve never bowled a day in my life.

Next time, I need to say something that is less of a group activity. Because now, my Saturday’s are taken up by driving down south to a mid-morning bowling league and occasionally grabbing a drink with the “gang” afterwards.

I love what I do but Jesus Christ, it might not be worth it.

So anyways, I stabbed someone who looked a lot like Carl and threw him into a ravine because Carl doesn’t deserve a burial. The fact that it wasn’t Carl took away a lot of satisfaction from me but that passion needs to go somewhere.

I guess we’re bowlers now. Whatever that means. And Carl’s still alive so things aren’t the best right now.

At least I didn’t say “golfing”.  

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/22/20

Growing up, I was always told that poison was a woman’s murder weapon. At the time, I don’t think my mother realized what she was doing. What she thought was a (slightly) sexist cautionary tale about the dangers of cunning was really early inspiration.

I used to dream about poison. About slipping a little arsenic into my teacher’s coffee, or poisoning the water supply with a deadly hallucinogenic. Though mother abhorred cunning – she was more for the outright manipulation – she did teach me that you never reveal what’s truly going on inside. So even little me knew better than to draw Mrs. Voorhees choking on her own vomit as her poisoned mug fell to the floor. I kept that fantasy inside.

I never did poison my English teacher. Poison wasn’t even my first weapon. But I did imagine all the ways I could have.

In my imaginary world I had a wealthy but disgusting husband who always had a glass of brandy before going to bed. Being a doting wife, I would pour his drink, all the while knowing that I’d rimmed the glass with bleach. Over the months or years, he would grow sicker and eventually die, leaving me a grieving widow with all his money and I would just move on to the next disgusting husband before anyone thought to investigate his death.

I love a good Black Widow story but when I married James, that all went out the window. Besides, that story is hardly believable. They would catch me in an instant.

Unlike now.

I know, I know. My life also seems a little fantastical. But at least I’m not living in a noir film. How cliché was my imagination? Get a better imagination, younger me!

Oh wait, I did.

If you can’t tell, this week has been long. And not even for fun and dramatic ways.

Our heater broke so we’ve been taking turns dealing with the repair guy. Meanwhile, the house is freezing. The extended contract at work is piling on extra stuff because “since you’re here, I might as well get you to do it”. It’s not that I hate the hours, I just hate people who are inconsiderate like that.

And I can’t even kill him because the contract is another six months. After I’m gone, so is he.

In the meantime, I can imagine rimming his coffee cup with bleach until he chokes on his own vomit.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/15/20

Casey is really coming into her own. Yesterday, I picked her up from school and we drove out to a truck stop and she lured a driver into a secluded area to be slaughtered in less than two minutes. She had him eating out of the palm of her hand, believing everything she told him. It was so impressive. It’s what I imagine other people feel like when they watch me work.

And regardless of whether or not she continues this past graduation – which I hope she does – teaching her the art of manipulating men is a skill she will need in any profession.

Although James brought up something the other day. While I’ve been working at teaching her skills that will make her a successful killer, we haven’t really worked on things that she can take into the civilian world.

After I helped her dispose of the body yesterday, I brought up the idea of putting her into an extracurricular. She seemed open to it and we settled on swimming lessons and an afterschool debate team. The one caveat was that she was never allowed to kill anyone on or associated with the club. Way too suspicious. She wanted guitar lessons but I convinced her that with the invention of YouTube, we weren’t going to pay for a tutor and team activities look better on a post-secondary or job application.

And it takes a couple of days away from our training but it also decreases her likelihood of suspicion when I kill a member of her debate team.

I won’t, I’ll be good, but I am really glad that we’re looking towards her future. I know I said she would be able to do all of things I never got to do with Sandra but she’s also an opportunity to get it right the way I didn’t with Jason. I won’t force her to join the family business if she doesn’t want to. She seems to want to but if that ever changes or god-forbid she wants to become an assassin; I will support her.

She will be a well-rounded member of society who (maybe) kills other members of society. And so far, she’s headed down that path so I’m happy. She’ll be okay.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/08/20

So. I love snow. I think I’ve made that perfectly clear over the years. I hate ice. Unless I am burying bodies under it. James is still in recovery but he was getting better every day. And then on Thursday he was hobbling to his car and he slipped on ice and ended up fracturing his knee so he spent Friday in the surgery trying to repair all the damage.

I haven’t had the heart to look at the medical bill because our insurance maybe be great but neither of us have a job that will cover the full cost of all of this. I’m grateful his work is paying for his recovery time. Since it technically was an on-the-job injury. If they hadn’t, heads might have rolled.

Speaking of heads rolling.

I had the absolutely morbid idea to go bowling with the severed remains of the man in the basement. Obviously it’s too late since we got rid of everything but wouldn’t that have been a sight.

That’s getting into movie horror territory. The kind of unrealistic creativity that no one can actually achieve.

I mean Saw is so unrealistic but it certainly gets the creative juices flowing. Though not always in the good way.

See: bowling with a human head.

And outsourcing. That’s the other unhelpfully creative way.

The fewer people involved, the fewer people you have to kill when it’s all over.

Word of advice: mass murderers are always harder to catch than a well-practiced serial killer.

There’s more opportunity for witnesses and less opportunity to get away. Murder takes time. Do it all at once, it doesn’t matter how fast you are, shooting ten people is slower than stabbing one.

The quicker you’re in there, the quicker you’re out.

All this to say: I’m in a bit of a creative rut. Nothing I think of is practical, it’s all theoretical and some of it defies the laws of physics. So until my magical powers come in, I’m shit out of ideas.

Maybe I’ll focus on Casey this week, make sure she’s got the basics down and keeping her guard up. Maybe working with her will spark something.

If you’re got anything, be sure to pass it on, yeah?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 01/01/20

Where did the time go?

I wake up and suddenly it’s 2020.

I do apologize, dear readers, I meant to offer you an update last week but I woke up on Christmas morning and promptly threw up so I didn’t feel the need to type out “too sick to stand” before I went back to bed.

For our first Christmas just the three of us, it sucked. I stayed in bed all day and James took Casey to a movie and then they ordered Chinese food while I stared at them and tried not to be sick for the eighth time. But you know what made it wonderful? My mother wasn’t there. She wasn’t hovering. She wasn’t criticizing. She wasn’t questioning who Casey was. It was just me, my husband on crutches, and his daughter from another relationship enjoying a quiet day together.

And now it’s a whole new decade and I gotta be honest, I haven’t had the heart to reflect on what the 2010s did to me so I’m just going to focus on the future.

No resolutions this year. Just moving forward with the life that I’m leading.

It has occurred to me that I’m not setting any goals because I am shit at ending things I don’t want to end. I swore off murder and I did keep that promise for a couple of months. Then one little things sets me off and we’re right back where we started, hiding bodies in the frozen lake and dissolving evidence in acid.

The truth is, I haven’t found a good enough reason to quit. In fact, there is a little girl who needs me and the things I do. I haven’t been needed like that in a long time.

I haven’t forgotten that I took this girl and I made her into the perfect little protégé. I could have left her alone, I could have made her stop, I could have turned her in and got her the help she needed. But I saw an opportunity and I took it. A chance to have all the things I never had with Sandra – one of the many things that the 2010s stole from me. I wonder if I’m doing a disservice to her by encouraging her to give in to her urges.

But I’m also aware that I won’t be around forever. And knowing that there is someone in the world who will continue my murderous legacy makes me proud to have Casey in this fucked up family.

And isn’t family all that matters at this time of year?

Regardless, I hope that you and your family move into the new year with hope, and excitement, and hold nothing back.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe