Your Mid-Week Update for 03/25/20

I was half joking when I threatened to kill you all if you stepped outside but seriously: go back inside or I will kill you.

And do you know how hard it is for me to even murder anyone right now. I’m stuck working from home, my only excuse to leave the house to buy groceries and take out the trash. I’m hooped. I’m happy to abstain to do my part but man, am I bored. Casey is doing all her homework online and James has gotten really into online gaming. I would play with him but he gets mad that I won’t play on his team.

I will never shoot my husband so I have to do it in the game. It’s a rule.

So now, I’m sort of left to my own devices – seeing as there isn’t a whole lot of work to be done at home. I figured this would be a good time to catch up on movies and tv shows. I could finally watch Game of Thrones. But I can only do that for so long. I get restless. I need something tactile. Something I can stab.

I could take up knitting!

I’m sure I’ve got needles and yarn somewhere. Yeah, that’s it. I’ll watch Game of Throne, I’ll knit, and I’ll do yoga or some shit to stay active. Not that I was particularly a gym rat but it pays to be fit in my business. The amount of alleyway chases I’ve conducted in my time is too many.

And I definitely won’t go crazy doing the same things over and over again to stave off boredom. It’s a fool proof plan. Or at least, it’s a plan for another day.

Uncertainty is hard – especially in my life – and having things to work towards and look forward to is important. And hopefully it’s enough.

Who knows what could happen to a violent and mentally unstable person when they’re isolated from the world with only their family for company for months on end.

It’s not dangerous at all.

But I meant it. I won’t kill my family if you stay inside until this whole thing blows over and I can kill you. Sound good?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/18/20

You know times are tough when I’m out of a job. Don’t worry, there’s still plenty of people worth killing but with the city (the whole world) on lockdown, I’m finding fewer and fewer people to lure into dark alleys. Besides, James is home on extended leave and with the schools shut down, Casey has been doing her homework on the living room carpet rather than in the car while on hunts.

She started calling them hunts and I have to admit, I do like the concept. Although I have to keep her from reading “The Most Dangerous Game”. She’ll get ideas. I don’t know what other ideas she could possibly get but with all this new-found down time, anything is possible.

She is so smart. Not book smart – her grades are fine – but she sees things. And she has a very dark imagination. She gets curious about something and she just has to figure it out. I understand why James brought her to me. I see a lot of myself in her. The dark urges that don’t feel wrong.

And right now, we can’t act on them. We’re doing our part which means abstaining from something we want to do. I just need to find a temporary outlet for her to express those urges. If anyone has thoughts, dear readers, feel free to comment below.

Beyond that, there’s not much else to report. I hope everyone is staying safe; washing your hands. I can’t kill you if you die now. That’s my request this week, dear readers.

Stay Safe. Be Well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.

(I love that movie)

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/11/20

People are so predictable. Person to person, what happens is anyone’s guess but people? People have patterns. I thrive off patterns. Not my own – because a person is anyone’s guess – but the collective people’s desire for collective normalcy.

That’s right. We’re pulling out the bullshit phrases that don’t really mean anything today.

Because…

That profiler they brought in about the Glitter Bomber – amazing title, I was very happy with the press this week – was completely off. You know why? Because people are predictable. Their analysis of the crime scene and of the “killer who committed this heinous crime” didn’t actually say anything new.

A 30-year old male with a history of anti-social behavior. Has a twisted sense of humor that others might find off-putting. Has a secondary or primary connection to the victim. “At this time, we do not consider the suspect a threat to the general public.”

Aka: no serial killer.

So. Predictable.

I walk a fine line between taking advantage of other’s weaknesses and being critical of how much weakness there is to be taken advantage of.

Serial murder is such a misogynistic practice. I enjoy being at the top of my field but part of me will always know that I got to the top because I was constantly underestimated and not because of my genuine skill.

Don’t get me wrong: my skill is impeccable. But there is no real way for me to measure my greatness against others since the last female killer to come close to my numbers died 500 years ago.

It’s not like there’s an Olympics of murder. To test the best and the brightest in different categories. Although I do sometimes race Casey to see who can strangle someone the fastest.

I let her win, of course. Got to get her confidence up if she’s going to become independent.

But that’s not the same.

I suppose the only way to truly know how I stack up against the greats is to die and let my victim list speak on my behalf. I’ll never tell. And I’ll never go to trial.

James and I talked about that a long time ago. I’d rather he escape with his life but I will never go to trial unless I am guaranteed to win. And never for the crimes I’ve actually committed.

I won’t be around to let the world judge me for the life I’ve led. That’s for me and my maker to sort out.

See. You bring out the flowery, useless language, you get a little existential. It’s a rule.

Until the day comes that I have to make the hard choices, I get to live knowing that no one knows how amazing I am at what I do. But I know. And today that’s enough.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Mid-Week Update for 03/04/20

This week has been disappointing to say the least. James’ rehabilitation is not going well. His knee is giving him a lot of pain and work may be paying for the meds, but they’re not helping as much as they should.

I got a phone call from Casey’s administration. Seems she skipped school last week. I asked her about it and she told me she would rather go out “hunting” than read Macbeth. I don’t blame her for that but we had a long talk about the importance of staying under the radar. She was up all night catching up on her missed assignments.

And on top of that, the guy vomited up the glitter glue so it was all a waste. I really wanted to see if his stomach contents would become glittery and whether the morgue would have to bring in a specialist to clean up the glitter guts. Instead, he just puked it back up and I had to strangle him to death.

Boring.

I used to love a good throttling – still do – but when you’re expecting glitter guts and you just get some burst blood vessels in the eyes, it’s not the same.

It was all over the news, though: the glittery death of an ice cream vendor. There was still glitter all over the crime scene and the media picked it up as the potential beginnings of some very specific serial killer. Apparently they’re going to be bringing in a profiler from the FBI to determine what kind of madman they’re looking for.

I’ll be interested to hear their analysis.

I’ve been profiled a few times over the years. None of them have gotten it right – obviously. Some of them pin down a troubled home life, or a penchant for cruelty towards animals, or someone who takes pleasure in their work.

Only one profiler has ever said I was a woman. They were nearly laughed out of the press conference. I sent them a gift basket with some fruit jellies and a box of rat poison. I haven’t heard from them since.

It’s always interesting to see what other people think of you – to get that outside perspective. And then you can do with that information what you will. Sometimes, I play into their assumptions just to mess with them. Sometimes I use it as a warning that I’m being too obvious and it’s time to back off. It depends on what’s needed at the time.

That is half of my job: understanding what needs to be done right now. Always adjusting to the situation and never being so set in my ways that I become predictable.

The best serial killers in the world are the ones who understand how to read people and read the situation. The ones who can manipulate the system.

“It couldn’t be him; he was always so nice.”

It doesn’t really matter how your life is going if you can keep people believing that everything is all right.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe