What a fucking year it’s been. I honestly couldn’t tell you everything that’s happened – that’s why I write all of this down, so I don’t have to remember – but I know things are different from when this year started. I have a new career, I have one less friend, I’m slowly overcoming my paranoid anxiety, I’m learning to let go of the people and things I can’t control. Of course, I miss Jason and Heather (in very different ways) but I can’t bring them back by wishing. If Jason wants us in his life again, he’ll let us know.
James and I are…okay.
You know when you get so used to saying something that it becomes habit even if
you don’t entirely believe it? That’s sometimes how I feel about James. It
feels like he’s always been a part of my life and I have always loved him. I
say that even though I think…
I don’t really know
who he is as a person. I know who he is to me, I know who he is to Casey and
the kids, I know his role in the world. But I couldn’t tell you what his
favourite tv show is – I don’t know that it even matters but it occurred to me
as I was reflecting on the year. There’s a very specific reason we don’t talk
to his parents that I will never share on this blog (I will tell you that if I
could: their bodies would be found hanging from six separate trees in the
middle of downtown. They don’t get to hide).
He’s always been his
own person and I love him for that. There’s a lot of reason’s I love him but
there’s all these little things about him that I don’t think I could name.
Things that maybe don’t matter because we’re connected by the big things.
Things have become
stagnant between us, that’s for sure. We’ve been coasting for a little while
now and I understand why. Raising a psychopath, murdering another, restarting
our lives in the middle of a global pandemic. We’ve been busy.
Maybe this year, I set
some resolutions around rekindling our relationship. Strengthening our
relationship wouldn’t be a complete waste of time. I’d really like it,
actually. I want to get back the couple who had sex on the kitchen floor, who’s
idea of foreplay was picking out a victim to murder in the garage before going
out to a fancy dinner. Not a lift before kids (because we definitely did all of
that with Sandra and Jason in the next room) but a life separate from the kids.
A life separate from work and stress and obligation and fear.
Just the two of us.
I want my husband back
even though I’m the one who lost him.
This wasn’t a very fun
update so how about a gruesome fun fact?
A human can survive in
a 250-degree heat (Fahrenheit) for about five minutes before their lungs would
shrivel up and the liquid in their body would boil. They would literally burn from
the inside out.
Something I was
thinking about while cooking my Christmas turkey.
As always, dear
readers,
Stay Safe
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