I never cared about my father. I hate my mother – I think that should be quite evident by now – I feel a very strong emotion towards her. But I don’t feel anything for my father after he’s left the room.
When I’m around
him, I can feel stressed or irritated or alone. A lot of times I felt alone.
The man had this ability to look at you and suddenly you’re a child again. He
didn’t yell, he just looked and you… scolded yourself.
I always
considered him the lesser of two evils. I knew how to handle his inspections
and his judgement and his perfectionism. The weird stoicism despite never being
in the military. On a scale from one to my mother, he was her partner –
her human counterpart. And she needed a human counterpart.
My mother did a
lot of horrible things in her life (not the least of which was giving birth to
me and my sister). I don’t think she possessed a single maternal instinct.
Everything she did was to maintain her image, her idea of what a perfect family
looked like, and if you didn’t match it then you were left behind.
That’s how my
sister ended up in prison. That’s how my father ended up in a home. That’s why
I did everything in my power to keep my kids away from her. From them.
Because he was
almost as bad as her. He didn’t stop her – he never tried. I don’t think he saw
what she did as wrong.
Two kids lost
their childhood and their mother, because of her actions. One lost their life,
the other lost their family. My mother destroyed everything that was not perfect
in her eyes, including her own flesh and blood.
After everything
she did, I was not going to let her take my family. What I have left of a
family. Because, of course, she tried.
On Thursday evening,
I got a visit from social services. A woman came to the door and wanted to see
if I was a fit mother. We were fine, we always are, we talked our way out of it.
But I couldn’t help wondering why she’d come in the first place. We forged her adoption
paperwork so no one was assigned to her case – hell, Casey barely exists on
paper and that’s only so we could get her into a decent school. I checked in
with her teachers two weeks ago and they all reported that she was slowly
coming out of her shell. Casey herself was starting to open up again. Hell, I
even invited her on my first kill without my cast on.
The social worker
told me that she’d received a phone call from Casey’s “concerned grandmother”.
When I called my
mother, she confirmed that she’d called social services. Somehow, she found out
about the kidnapping and murders – or at least the official version where Casey
ran off with her mysterious boyfriend for over a month but came home once they’d
broken up – and she blamed me for raising a rebellious child. According to her,
she didn’t want me to “screw up another one”. As if everything that happened to
Sandra was my fault.
As if I don’t
blame myself for it every day.
She tried to take
my daughter away from me. She called me an unfit mother.
It’s been a long
time since I’ve blacked out and woken up covered in blood. The cleanup never
gets easier. I never did find that missing ear.
Oh, my parents are
alive and well – or as well as they can be living up north in some seniors’ home
with no family or friends. As near as I can tell, I slaughtered a man who
worked at a mechanic shop – or he bathed in motor oil. How I came across
him, I have no idea but given the lack of attached body parts, I guess I had
fun.
I don’t think I’m
capable of killing my parents. I’ve thought about it – many, many times – but I
can’t do it. Even I have my limits.
My sister, on the
other hand, does not. I don’t know how long she’ll be in hiding but when she
returns, we’ll have a nice long chat about who’s really to blame for Sandra,
and Jason, and Casey.
My sister and I
have come a long way since I first got custody of her kids when it comes to
understanding our relationship as guardians. Sandra and Jason were out kids.
But Casey is mine.
And if my mother tries to take her again? I think I’ll have to learn to be like
my sister.
Family is the most
important thing and you don’t mess with family.
As always, dear
readers,
Stay Safe
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