I could lie and say I had some incredibly dramatic reason why I didn’t update last week. Maybe I broke another limb (which at my age - fuck I hate that phrase - could be deadly). Maybe the police finally found that toe I left in the planter outside the local station as an April Fool’s joke. Maybe I finally did away with my mother after all the shit she pulled on me and my sister. Maybe I finally heard from my sister and had to make an emergency trip out of the country to bring her her favourite sweater.
Truth is: I slept in and didn’t feel like writing the update.
It’s hard some days. I know I’ve talked about this before. Sharing every part of my life on a regular basis can take its toll on anyone and I am far from anyone. And sometimes… I just don’t feel like writing.
It’s not that I don’t have anything to talk about. My fucking mother still takes no responsibility for calling Social Services on her daughter. I suppose that’s better than calling the police but she already did that and it gained her nothing. As far as I know, Sandra and Jason never forgave their grandparents. And now Casey won’t either.
I don’t understand what she hopes to accomplish by punishing her family. We are meant to protect one another. There are so many horrible people in the world and children - my children especially because I am inherently selfish and cruel - deserve a safe haven. We are meant to be that safe place for them but this is just a stark reminder that I have failed yet again.
Except this time, I will ensure that my daughter is protected from those who would hurt her. She will not become disillusioned to me or the life I lead. And she will not get buried in it.
I’m including her in kills as much as I can. She’s proficient - she was good long before I met her but under my tutelage, she is great - and she understands the importance of controlling her impulses. Since those first months, she hasn’t gone out “hunting” without telling one of us first. Sometimes, James and I need our alone time so there’s never any guarantee that she’s not taking off and killing on her own but I choose to trust her.
The more I trust and the more I include her, the better off we’ll both be. It’s hard to fight the instinct to hold on too tight sometimes but look who I had as a role model: the woman who wants to grip her family so tightly she crushes bone.
And I’ve tried to crush bone with my bare hands. It’s fucking impossible.
I know we try to be the opposite of our parents and most of us will inevitably become just like them but I hope to god I never become my mother. I never want to hurt my daughter the way she’s hurt hers.
See…
Always something to talk about.
As always, dear readers,
Stay Safe
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