Your Midweek Update for 12/22/21

Science is a serial killer’s best friend. Honestly, I can make an argument for all aspects of the education system – except for math but, of course, I decided to become a banker so I still have to retain some of my high school mathematics – but science really has to be on your side in order to succeed when it comes to murder. And not just Forensics, either: Biology, Physics, Chemistry, Computer, Psychology. Depending on what type of murder you’re committing, you’ll also need Oceanography, Archaeology, Astronomy.

I once bought a vacuum chamber off Amazon and used it to trap a man in an air-tight closet and slowly remove the oxygen. He blew up like a balloon.

In space, no one can hear you scream!

Anyway. The science I’m swooning over this week is chemistry. There are so many chemicals you can use to kill people. So many acids, so many poisons, so many “overhearing that the woman at the next table is allergic to olives and dropping enough olive oil in her cranberry juice to make her throat close up” moments.

And there are so many ways of using chemistry to dispose of a body. Burning is good but dissolving is better. There’s the standard hydrofluoric acid – ala the acid bath killer – but there’s also the much more effective alkaline hydrolysis which is becoming more popular among the recently dead and thus easier for me to use as a cover.

By that, I meant alkaline hydrolysis (lye and water heated to about 320F) is a legitimate alternative to cremation and leaves less bone matter behind.

However, I’ve discovered a new method that I am anxious to try – though I know I may never get a chance to.

Sulfuric acid and hydrogen peroxide, also known as Piranha Solution. This baby eats everything. Well, everything carbon-based which (surprise) humans are. I watched a video online today of this chemist dissolving a chicken leg in a few minutes. And I mean completely dissolved – bones and all. The liquid turned this black-green colour and boiled and clung to pieces of the chicken. It looked like a million little piranhas chomping away.

It was so cool!

But this still is incredibly toxic – obviously – and dangerous to handle so it’s not something you can safely piece together from household appliances. You would need to get the proper PPE to handle this stuff which I don’t currently have.

It’s too late to ask James to get it for me for Christmas but maybe there will be some boxing week sales.

But I have been obsessing over different methods of chemical disposal all afternoon because of this video. It was seriously so cool.

I know I’ve got the right hobby because I watched that scientist and immediately thought “that would be so useful for disposing dead bodies – or live ones.” It’s just nice to have my passions reaffirmed since I’ve been feeling less than stellar lately.

A nice little spark of creativity just before the holidays. What a nice gift from the universe.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Midweek Update for 12/15/21

Thank god for snow – it always lightens my mood. It’s finally snowed which means I can go back to burying body parts and letting people die of exposure so they just become another statistic. The familiarity has been so soothing which is sorely needed after the last few days.

It’s not even problems at home or problems with my feelings around murder. It’s my fucking job.

Carrie went on maternity leave and now we’re all swamped but we’re not allowed to work overtime because they’re worried about being overbudget.

WHAT BUDGET?! We’re a fucking bank!

Anyways, my hours have stayed the same but my work has doubled so I am just perpetually exhausted.

Not too exhausted to decapitate a woman with a fishing wire on my way home yesterday. Do you know how much force you need to decapitate a person with a fishing wire? And it wasn’t really a decapitation, I guess. I couldn’t quite get through the bone but the head eventually fell off when I pulled so I think it counts.

And no, you’re not allowed to picture me digging my boot heel into someone’s back while I pull their head off. It was embarrassing enough to live through the first time.

The point is: nothing has been resolved and if anything, I’m more tired than ever. But I did build a snowman out of body parts and left it outside the police station so it’s about finding things you love and things that relax you amidst the chaos of the world.

‘Cause that shit ain’t changing.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Midweek Update for 12/08/21

I love killing people. The act of killing people, the concept of taking someone’s life – it’s all so intoxicating. And fulfilling. It really is so rewarding to find your passion in life; your purpose, as it were. Everyone in the world has something they excel at and everyone has a way in which they can contribute to society. Finding that one thing is absolutely amazing.

I know that there is no one in the world who can feed a man his own fingers in order to dissolve his fingerprints in stomach acid and then hang his body upside down and gut him like a fish so the blood pools in his eyeballs the way eye can.

No one would through a woman over a 15-storey parkade along with her cellphone to fake an accident the way I can. No one can leave a body lying in the snow for two weeks straight without anyone finding it until their entire body has frozen through and parts of it have shattered from the cold the way I can.

I know that what I have is a gift and I enjoy sharing it with you all – whether or not you want it because there are a severe lack of people wanting to be murdered.

There have been a few cases of people meeting on chat sites and agreeing to be dismembered and eaten and that’s very cool but I’m not so much into the consuming human flesh part.

Honestly, I don’t know that I even want someone who actively wants to be murdered. Part of the fun is the hunt – yes, I’m using Casey’s word, sometimes it’s relevant – the chase and the capture of a victim. That can be just as intoxicating as the actually act of murder. Although, let’s be real, the real thrill is watching the light leave your victim’s eyes. There is no replacing the feeling of observing someone’s final moments – seeing the resignation – and knowing you were the one responsible for that. There’s nothing like it.

And yet, for my genuine love of the art, I always feel like there’s something missing. Whatever I do, it’s not quite enough to satisfy. That’s part of why I keep going (that and because I don’t believe in denying oneself simple pleasures like murder). I’m still seeking that satisfaction even though I know it will never come.

No matter how many women I soften with a meat tenderizer and send floating down the river in an ice storm, no matter how many people I poison with a needle full of bleach on the bus, it will never be enough.

And isn’t it so thrilling to go chasing something forever? I will never grow bored or tired or restless with this work – it’s impossible. Which just makes it all the worse to contemplate my potential retirement.

What do I do when I can no longer satisfy my passions?

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe

Your Midweek Update for 12/01/21

How the ever loving fuck is it December already? This year has just flown by. Also my spellcheck is informing that ever loving is one word so allow me correct that.

How in the ever-loving fuckballs is it already December?

Fuckballs is apparently not a word but who cares?

It’s a sign of an uninteresting person to complain about the passage of time. And yet, here I stand, the exception that proves the rule. You will find me constantly bitching about the passage of time because it does suck. It all sucks. Another year trapped in a pandemic, facing one’s mortality – now more than ever – even work hours seeming longer as each day is inconsistent in its busyness. Thank goodness for that fairly strict rule about business hours or I would never see my family. As it is, James has been working nights all this week and last week (covering for a friend, I guess) so I haven’t seen him in a few days except when he crawls into bed in the morning.

We were going to do something for his birthday on Thursday but he’s working. It wasn’t going to be anything big, just a dinner with the two of us while Cassie goes out “hunting” – I will never not find it funny that she calls it “hunting”. It’s not about what we do, it’s that we’re intentionally taking time to be with each other. That’s the important part.

Or it was. Now he has to work. Although there’s nothing stopping me from visiting him at the prison. It’d be so easy to make a joke about conjugal visits but that’s exactly what we’re going to do if I can sneak in and surprise him while he’s on duty.

I am a simple woman: I am here to have sex with my husband and complain about the passage of time. And if I happen to commit a few dozen murders while I’m here, then let a few people lose their heads.

Maybe I’ll even kill an inmate while I’m there. Although it’s not nearly as fun. Prison is a corrupt nightmare and I would much rather kill random strangers off the street. I can imagine they’re douchebags even if they aren’t – though let’s be real: most people suck.

Just like the passage of time.

See how I brought that back around?

Like a clock?

Look: I’m a murderer not a comedian. Give me a break.

As always, dear readers,

Stay Safe