I have
smelled a lot of horrible things in my life. I laid with my parents have I murdered
them and they were not found right away. I once hid in an open grave to evade
the police. I helped my mom clean out her murder den after it hadn’t been aired
out since my kidnapping.
It turns
out that all of us forget she’d rented a storage unit in which to commit
murders because James got a call from the manager saying her autopayment
bounced and if we didn’t pay by the end of the month, they would be auctioning
off the items inside.
I don’t
think they would allow that episode of Storage Wars to air.
So he
renewed the rental agreement and changed it over to his name, and the two of us
grabbed every disinfectant known to man (and trust me, we know them all) to go
and clean out the murder den that’s been unoccupied for about six months.
The smell
brought me to tears. I haven’t puked since Sarah M. shit her pants when I
stabbed her in 8th grade and it landed on my bare foot.
It’s been three
days and I can still taste it. It’s like it’s burrowed into my skin. Everywhere
I go, it just lingers.
But we were
successful in disposing of all the materials and disinfecting the entire unit
so it only smelled like month-old compost. And we did dispose of everything.
James asked if I wanted to keep the place for hunts but it wouldn’t feel right.
That was mom’s sanctuary so I’ll find my own. But we are putting her things in
there – maybe in the spring after winter has frozen and killed all the bacteria
– so it can remain her sanctuary.
It just
smelled so bad.
It was one
of those things that fell away when she and James split. She was so heartbroken
she forgot about everything else. I was angry at him for hurting her – I still
am – but he’s angry at himself, too. That doesn’t make it better but at least
he knows that he fucked up. I know some of you think I should kill him and for
a while I wanted to but now I don’t. He’s all I have left.
I did ask
him why he did it. Why he blew up our family out of the blue.
He told me
that he was a weak man. That he loved my mom beyond reason. But temptations
from others were unending.
I’ve been
reading through Mom’s blog a lot, trying to get to know her. I see how she saw
all of us. She loved James. She thought of him as so loyal but the truth is: he
was just waiting for the next best thing and it finally came. I always thought
they were meant to be. I’ve heard their love story so many times and I thought
it was fate that led them together. But maybe I was wrong.
The small
comfort I have is that James always realized (too late) that he was also wrong:
nothing would be better than her.
It does
make me wonder. She saw the world in such a specific way. What other people in
her life were not who she thought they were?
I feel like
I need to find a new sign off. Any suggestions?
In the
meantime, dear readers,
Stay Safe
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